She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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