Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
