Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
