I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
