3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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