She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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