I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
