My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
