Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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