I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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