then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
