I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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