Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
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there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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