theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
