is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You were trust falling into bushes
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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