Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
