Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
