tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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