is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
