Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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