Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
