Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
