someone threw a dead crab at me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
