I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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