there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
