i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think i have two assholes
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
whose ass print is on the piano?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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