Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
