YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
