Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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