Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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