Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
