I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
