So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
