Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
