y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
