I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
