so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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