I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
