I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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