I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
