I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
