weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
