She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this just has baby written all over it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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