You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
