We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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