Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
