Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
