I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
