Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
