I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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