Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
