Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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