Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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