if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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