We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You did what with his pubic hair?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
His nipple licking is glorious
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