Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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